I'm on the edge of everything.

I've completely lost it.

Either hormones have taken over my body or I'm insane.

I'd like to go into hibernation or something.

Or maybe, become a caterpillar so I can wrap myself in a cocoon and hide this ugliness I've been showing people these days. Then I'd wake up later and would be a beautiful butterfly who everyone fancied.

Make me a butterfly.

I would give anything to smell the scent of peppermint schnapps, cologne, and his Camel non filtered cigarettes again.

I can still hear him say, "Good morning beautiful," as he hummed that lovely tune in the morning.

I miss you grandpa.

I really do miss you...

"And you'll say that it's no big deal, but it's the tears on your face that give away how you feel."

I don't get any of you.
I don't even get myself.

I'm not okay.

Me: Hello?

Brain: Hello, Lisa. This is your brain calling.

Me: Oh Hello brain.

Brain: I just wanted to tell you that you suck and your life is boring and you're crazy and that you really do suck.

Me: Oh Okay. Thanks for informing me.

Brain: Bye bitch.

I'm young. I'm in love. Where the fuck is the fun?

I wish Cody would be more outgoing. Maybe, then we'd go on spontaneous pointless trips and result in laughter and a new look on life. I wish I had a life. Damn. Leigh was right. I don't have my own life. I share it with him.

My puppies are bad. :/

Yeah...exactly. This is how boring my life is.

Today's my birthday.

I realized that I don't have friends.

I'm in LOVE!!!! I mean TRULY DEEPLY MADLY in LOVEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

I'm in love with:

-Grey's Anatomy
-Wild Cherries
-Pink cigarrettes
-Having things to obsess about
-Not going to bed alone at night
-Having food in my refrigerator and cabinets
-Having two jobs that give me free food

Anyway, I just thought I'd share.

My subject is actually a quote from a Mexican I work with. Haha!

Anyway, I'm sooooo gay. I mean I'm so gay that I shit rainbows.

I'm SO gay that if you look up the meaning of gay in the urban dictionary, my vagina would be next to it. Not a picture, but my actual vagina.

Why is happiness so hard to enjoy? I miss being miserable.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I swear I'm retarded. Who wants to be miserable?

I guess I'm just adjusting to change. It's been a while since I've been completely happy.

The wedding is this weekend. I don't really want to be there. It's depressing watching your childhood friends grow up. :/

Anyway, I have to go back to being gay at work now.

Here comes goodbye.
Here comes the last time.
Here comes the start of every sleepless night.
The first of every tear I'm going to cry.
Here comes the pain.
Here comes me wishing things had never changed;
And she was right here in my arms tonight,
but here comes goodbye.
Why does it have to go from good to gone?
Before the lights turn on and you're left alone...
All alone, but here comes goodbye.

It's been hard watching you suffer with age. I've always seemed to have this idea in my head that you would be the last of us to die. I remember bringing you home. You were so tiny and fluffy like a little pompom ball. But, your size never phased you. You always acted as if you were a million times bigger. All the dogs were scared of you. I'm sorry Mocha hurt you. I tried to stop it. Despite that you still fought so you could live one more day to see us. Who would have known you would have made it this far? I'm sorry we had to put you down. We couldn't let you suffer anymore. I'll miss your fluffy bottom racing Mocha to the door so you could see us when we came home. I'll miss you scooting your butt on the carpet. I'll miss you laying in bed with us when we were scared. I'll miss sneaking you cereal when no one was looking. Most of all I'll miss you. It's been a wonderful 16 years. I wish it could have been longer. I hope you have fun with Rocko. He'll take care of you. I love you Tiny "Bopper Rinsky" Kelley.

8============D~~~~~

That is all.

Surprisingly, I don't really have anything to bitch about.

I went to the golf course for the first time to watch Cody play. I had such a blast picking up tees that weren't broken and looking for golf balls. I took pictures of the turtles and birds I saw. It really kind of made me feel like a little kid again. I felt like I was on vacation and I was worry free. I made him take me to two different golf courses. Haha! Then, I hit a few balls at the driving range, but I only had two really good drives.

Speaking of vacation. I think I really NEED to go on one. I want to go to Fl, but I want to go just so I can lay on the beach and clear my mind. I'm thinking May. I'm supposed to take Cody to Hernando, Fl. on Saturday. Woo! I get to spend this weekend in the boondocks. :/ It's kind of nice though. Well, the surroundings are. I'm probably going to feel awkward around his parents because of what happened last time I went down there.

I guess I lied. I do have something to bitch about. My damn job. I don't like working for minimum wage and doing more work than the damn servers. I'm supposed to seat people and that's all, not seat them, take their orders, clean up their mess, and do side work. It SUCKS! Not only that but, my manager is sexist. But, where else will I find a place that will allow me to get any day I want off? Please let a better opportunity come my way.

Cody's sleeping in my bed right now. He looks so cute "catching flies with his mouth." Haha! And he's snoring. I could be single right now and still be content, just so long as he is still in my life and my best friend.

Kaitlin is getting married. :/ Why are kids getting married so young? She's 18 and so is Trevor! Wtf is with all my friends either getting married or having kids or getting married and having kids. Why's everyone in such a hurry to grow up? We have a life expectancy of like 80 years. :/

Anyway, I've been at a good size for the past few months. I have to fit in my bridesmaid dress. Both of them. Ha! Someone come take me away from here. I want a whole new group of friends who want to stay young. How depressing.

I'm working at Towa again. Hahaha! I think I can handle two jobs again.

I'm still blind. :/

Cody got to see his Valentines day present early because I didn't put it away when he came over. Ha! He loved it. He actually stayed the night with me the other night. I thought it was nice of mom and dad to allow a penis to sleep in my bed with me. Ha!


LEIGH!!!!!! When are we going to go to Spanky's and make our round downtown while sipping on some coffee?

Shit! I'm about to be late!

You will eventually grow.

So I've decided that I will go back to school next semester. I really just want insurance. I saw the medical bill the other day. It was like $300. :/ Sorry mom and dad.

I've been driving around half blind as of a week ago. This is just a warning for those of you who happen to drive around Savannah.

Speaking of cars, I had to get my breaks replaced and my oil changed. I hate not having shit handed to me. It kind of sucks because mom and dad paid for Liz's car to be fixed, but I had to pay for my shit myself. I have another insurance payment to make this month. :/

Cody's birthday is coming up on the 12. He'll be 20. I was thinking about it earlier. When you're 20, you're finally out of the teenage years. This means you have to grow up and take responsibility. I wish I could be a kid forever. Anyway, so for his birthday I took him to Hilton Head to go shopping at the Tanger Outlets. OF course he hit up the nice stores like Ralph Lauren and Greg Norman. With all the money I spent on him I should have just bought him a round of golf. Oh well, at least he's happy. I have all his Valentines stuff ready. I'm so excited. XD

So mom told me that she wanted Cody and I to share a room and the same bed when Liz and I decide to move out. CRAZY!!! If anyone knew my mom, they would know that she opposes anyone with a penis and living together before marriage. I guess it's easier for her now seeing as how Liz used to live with Adam and she didn't end up preggo.

Speaking of sleeping in the same bed. I love waking up to him in the morning. I always have a good day when that happens.

I feel the need to go on vacation. I'm tired of saving money. I want to spend it. Ha!

So I realized that Cody's birthday is the same day as Heather's. Maybe it's a good thing we aren't friends anymore. How would I have gone about doing that anyway? I can't be in two places at once. Oh well. I guess it doesn't matter anymore.

I had fun at the party the other night. I'm pretty sure I won the most skanky ho there. Haha! Mission accomplished.

I need a haircut.

Why is it that we always wait until everything has gone to shit before we turn to God? I haven't been religious for a while, but something came over me the other day. It's nice to believe in something. I was reminiscing on how life was so much better for me as a child, when I was forced to believe in a higher power.

I waited until my doctors told me that I have a high risk for cancer before I decided to make a change. I was tired of feeling alone even though I had my friends. They don't have to go through this.

Anyway, Cody has proved to me that he is the most AMAZING bf ever. I've never had one that tried so hard to make everything perfect for the both of us. I love him so much. It's a little scary. Ha! Liz, Cody, and I will be moving out in the next couple of months. I don't really want to, but we all have no choice. We need financial aid in order to go to school. Ha! It sucks when your parents make too much for financial aid, but not enough to put you through school.

Oh well, My parents tried their best. Now it's my turn to grow up and take care of myself.

I'm going to get a second job on my next day off. :/

It's all rainbows and unicorns from here baby.

This year is a year of reconstruction. I will better myself and actually accomplish something...anything.

Cody and I have been bonding even more on an emotional level. I love talking to him. We have the best conversations. I'm glad though. Unfortunately, due to all the shit I've been going through, our sex life is nonexistent right now. Maybe it's for the best?

I'm still waiting to go to the doctor. This Wednesday. I'm STILL scared.

8====D~~~

"We found some abnormal cells from your paps mere results. Please come in so we can test you for cancer."

Could they be anymore blunt about it? Shit! Hopefully it's just inflammation.

I'm scared.

Whatevs.

The miscarriage is really bothering me. I know that I'm too young to have kids, but it worries me. Will I be able to carry one when the time comes? Who even knew? I sure as hell didn't. Ladies, don't underestimate the power of fertilization. You can and will get preggo even if you use a condom. Scary huh? It's better to be safe than sorry. If you read this, please don't gossip about it. I just needed to vent.

This year is ending terribly. Hurry up!!!! Only hours until a new year.

So Christmas was a disaster and it's taken me three days to finally be able to talk about it. So here we go.

Day 1(Tuesday night): Cody and I go to Ocala. When we get two hours away from home and two hours away from our destination, his car overheats and pretty much blows up. So we wait 2 more hours for his mom to pick us up.

Day 2(Christmas Eve): I start feeling homesick and got a little emotional. Then, I got a phone call from Elizabeth Hanks telling me that Sandra died. Of course, I cried like any normal human being would. Instead of being comforted, I was yelled at. Really!? Is it necessary for you to make someone feel like shit after they had just lost someone. I won't get into detail, but I will say this, I will never raise my family to be emotionless or insensitive. I have never felt this enraged about anything in my life.

Day 3 (Christmas): Of course the awkward moment came because everyone saw me crying. I tried to ignore it. Then, all day you only heard about how terrible last night was and blah blah blah. Finally, we went home.

I got to talk to Ben for the first time in a while. I missed talking to him. We would be so silly. Haha! I'm scared for him and his situation. I really do hope a miracle would happen. It feels good to know that someone needs you. Cody has told me many times that he'd be perfectly fine without me. Makes me wonder. I really do care about him, but I'm probably wasting my time.

I have been in an anti-social mood lately and it sucks.

Btw, I think I have kidney problems. I need to go to the doctor ASAP.

I need strength. Lots of it.

Things are going terribly.

BTW, if you tried to text me, I'm sorry I never responded. The screen on my phone is broken and I won't be able to switch my phone until Saturday or Sunday.

I hope everyone had a waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better Christmas than I did.

Fuck this year.

Come on 2009. I'm waiting.

Dookie. Dookie. Dookie.

Cody has been doing a wonderful job at being a boyfriend. I love how affectionate he is. :]

So, we have all this drama at work and I think that it's really ridiculous. They should just fire a select few people and then everything would be straight.

I miss Annette and Elise. I keep thinking about them.

I also keep thinking about those kitten fetuses that I discovered when I dissected a cat in anatomy class like 3 years ago. :[


I'm still looking forward to Ocala. I love his family. They are amazing.

My palms have been itching. I hope that means I'll be getting a lot of money.

Christmas isn't looking too well this year.

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm making the right decisions.

I wish I can just move and meet new people. I'm tired of the same faces.

I'm trying to hook Liz up with this kid that I know. Haha! He's awesome, so maybe things will work out this time.

I've officially decided no more Aries or Capricorns. They just plain suck.

So I'm pretty sure I failed my math class. Oh well. I think I'm going to transfer to S.T. Mom put it in my head that it is degrading for me to even consider that. Ugh! What to do?

I'm still enjoying my relationship. He's so sweet. Word of advice. If your "type" isn't working out for you, try dating someone you wouldn't usually date. This is the happiest I've been with a guy. :]

Oh! I found out that mom doesn't have cancer. Thank goodness.

I'll be leaving for Ocala on the 23. I'm excited. I need a change of environment anyway.

The end.